Happy New Year from the usual suspects, who have mostly learned their lessons.NBA commissioner Adam Silver – What a season! James Harden averaging the most points since Wilt Chamberlain! Everyone learning to spell “Giannis Antetokounmpo!” The Lakers and Clippers as marquee rivals!Former Lakers president Magic Johnson – Not everyone had such a bang-up time. I’ll never take another front office job. They’re no fun.Lakers owner Jeanie Buss, GM Rob Pelinka and the rest of the front office (all together) – You promise? Newsroom GuidelinesNews TipsContact UsReport an Error AD Quality Auto 360p 720p 1080p Top articles1/5READ MOREUCLA alum Kenny Clark signs four-year contract extension with PackersMagic – I still can’t forgive Rob for stabbing me in the back. … Sorry, I’ve got to go. I’ve got ESPN, Yahoo, Fox Sports, ABC, NBC, CBS, HBO, The Disney Channel and Ken Burns on the line, asking me to tell them about it again.Former New Orleans Pelicans GM Dell Demps – What are you complaining about? One minute Anthony Davis is talking about all the stuff that we can do together. The next, he’s a Laker and I’m unemployed.Lakers forward LeBron James – Yeah, I heard about that.Demps – I know you did, up close and personal the way I heard it.Silver – We’ve had a lot of complaints about tampering. Were you guys discussing joining up on the Lakers with A.D. under contract to the Pelicans? James – Who me?Davis – Who, me?Rich Paul, agent for James and Davis – Who, us?Silver – We see that Anthony bought a house there last July. Does that mean he has made up his mind about re-signing with the Lakers?Davis – Absolutely not. That $7.5 million, 16,000-square-foot mansion I bought in Westlake Village with a guest house, home theater, infinity pool, outdoor kitchen and indoor basketball court is just somewhere to do my laundry.Clippers star Kawhi Leonard – Hey, not everyone from around here wants to play for the Lakers. The Clippers were a better fit since they only expect me to play occasionally.Silver – I need to ask you about that. When you sat out our national TV game with a knee injury, what was wrong with it?Clippers coach Doc Rivers – Nothing. That was just load management.Silver – Ka-ching! That’ll be $50,000! We accept credit cards, personal checks or cash.Steve Ballmer – That’s tip money. I’m the guy with the $50 billion fortune who paid $2 billion for the Clippers … and made it up in my Microsoft stock in two years.Jeanie Buss – That’s good because you’ll need it after you move to Inglewood in 2024 and everyone forgets you’re in town.Ballmer – You mean the way everyone forgot you were here the last decade?Paul George, Clippers star – What’s so special about the Lakers? I’m from around here and I turned them down, too.James – We know. We got A.D., instead, so we’re cool with it.Clippers consultant Jerry West – Who says this isn’t fun? I was enjoying having Magic around so we could turn them upside down and shake them like a piggy bank, like when they gave us Ivica Zubac for Mike Muscala, whom they then cut.Silver – A commish’s work is never done. I have a bunch of complaints about tanking, including some teams you’d never have expected.Warriors players Steph Curry, Klay Thompson and Draymond Green – Who, us?Silver – Bingo!Grizzlies, Knicks, Hawks, Pelicans, Cavaliers and Wizards (all together) – Who us?Silver – Not to worry. Everyone knows you lames don’t have a choice.Nets guard Kyrie Irving – I know I’ve only played 11 games after running out on LeBron in Cleveland and wrecking two seasons in Boston. … Wait ’til next year, again.Knicks owner James Dolan – My dad told me there would be days like this when he gave me Madison Square Garden. So what if the Nets got Kyrie and Kevin Durant, who wouldn’t even sit down with us? This is still the Mecca of basketball. We have “the world’s most famous arena.” What more can our fans ask?Knicks fans (all together) – SELL THE TEAM!Dolan – Oh, and I probably shouldn’t have poured $140 million into the Forum before Inglewood officials partnered with Ballmer on a new arena to be built solely with private funds that would spur employment and affordable housing. … Unfortunately, I admitted in a deposition that I didn’t read my contract with the city and it doesn’t say what I keep claiming that it does. … And, oh, right, it’s true that I got so desperate, I asked Jeanie to move the Lakers back to the Forum for some of our Knicks-style retro chic.Phil Jackson, former Knicks president – Lie down with idiots, wake up with $30 million in severance pay.Silver – At least, people have stopped asking me about China. The Chinese actually asked me to fire Houston GM Daryl Morey for tweeting support for protestors, but I think he learned his lesson.Morey and the rest of NBA staffers and players (all together) – China? Never heard of it.